Only four days after Yom Kippur, I did something that I had resolved wouldn’t happen again (in this case, I’m talking about a ben adam l’chavero). When I resolved not to do it again, I really meant it. I really wanted it never to happen. But a part of me sort of knew it would, no matter how hard I tried (like when we all resolve never to speak another word of Lashon Hara, and mean it, yet know that we’ll probably slip up again at some point). But I didn’t think I’d mess up again so soon! I just have this sunken feeling, like I really let myself down (as well as the other person involved). How I am supposed to get back that confidence I had in myself? The belief that I really could improve, that I really would avoid the pitfalls of last year? Though what I did wasn’t a HUGE deal by the world’s standards perhaps, it meant a lot to me, and has really made me feel discouraged. I have an inclination to just hate myself for this, but I also know that that is not a productive attitude—in order to change, I have to believe that I am a strong enough person to change, that I really have it in me. It’s Erev Sukkot, and already I feel like I don’t have a clean slate. I don’t want to go into the chag feeling like this. I guess this is an attempt to improve my state of mind by expressing myself. Even though I fell down, I can get up again, and I will. I will resolve anew, and daven that both Hashem and the person I hurt will forgive my mistake, yet again. To anyone else who might be in a similar situation: don’t give up on yourself—just try again, and try harder! May the New Year bring continued growth and perseverance in the face of all challenges!
Ack Yom Tov is in two hours! What am I doing here? I’ve got to run! Chag Sameach!